Things have moved on a bit in the life of MRMD. A fairly significant chapter in my life is about to formally come to an end and I’ve been pretty surprised about how I’ve felt about it. Those who know me well will have walked every step of the last two-and-a-bit years with me and will know that I’m more than ready to close the book.
People who know me well also know that I don’t really do ‘ago’. I find talking about and reliving the past generally spectacularly unhelpful. So I was a little surprised how I’ve felt thinking and talking about some of the events of the last few years. A colleague asked me the other day how I came to be working in my current role, bearing in mind that financially, I’m a lot worse off and all. I was more than a little surprised to find myself in tears half-way through my sorry tale. Clearly, ‘ago’ is still a little bit raw. However, do I want to go back to my ‘before’ life? Not really. Do I want the man who broke my heart back? Nope. Not at all. Am I surprised how much it can still hurt when I think too hard about it? Hell yes!
All this talk of the past has led me to be thinking rather a lot about Husband No 1. Chatting with LJ last night she asked: ‘Do you have regrets about him then?’ And I think I do. Not in the way that I want to track him down and see if anything’s still ‘there’. (I’m sure his current wife would have quite a lot to say about that!) I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have thought about him at all if it weren’t for recent events. No, I have regrets in the way that I treated him. He accommodated my many foibles, my moods and generally tried to make me happy in every way he could… and I was just plain mean to him. (I wasn’t as nice back then you see…!)
However, this focussing on the past, it’s not going to get me anywhere is it? I can sit and hate on Husband No 2 or ponder over what might have been with Husband No 1 and on anyone between and since for that matter. But what does it achieve? It only makes me feel bad – all insecure and inadequate. So I think it’s probably a good idea to keep my eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead. As one kindly ex-manager of mine once said to me (as I expressed my reservations about leaving a company after 20 years); ‘You shut the door for a reason Michelle. Why would you want to turn around and re-open it again?’
Why indeed?
Let’s move on…
Even if the past isn't all crappy, it's still good to move forward.
ReplyDeleteLife can take you in unexpected directions and give you opportunities you didn't even think existed.
Sure, it can be tough but it can also be worth it.