Good on paper

I'm beginning to think that 'good on paper' rarely equals good in real life, particularly when it comes to men. It's puzzled me for some time....why the 'good on paper' guy rarely delivers. Now, I know that sounds harsh but let me explain...

I've looked for that 'good on paper', so-called ideal man at several points over the years. You know the one, handsome (yep, still shallow!), sexy, taller than me (by at least 3 inches – a girl does have to wear heels sometimes you know), doesn't take himself or life too seriously, reliable yet knows how to have fun, good in bed (well, obviously), I could go on...... Now, I'm not completely stupid. I understand that compromise is the order of the day. It's like buying a house. You may get the good sized garden, but it's likely that the kitchen needs updating or the bedrooms are poky – especially if you have a limited budget. And I do. I'm not kidding myself that I am attractive enough, witty enough, clever enough to snap up the perfect man but what I don't get is the ones that would look amazing on a 'man CV' but actually turn out to be a little bit disappointing. With men, you may get the handsome face, but they're dead dull. Or they're super-cool and witty but you just don't fancy them. The combinations are endless.

Take my first husband for example. He was popular, friendly, generous, good company, good-looking, fit, sporty, reliable(ish), knew how to have fun etc, etc– it was hard to find anyone who didn't like him. But...... and it's a fairly big but...... he just didn't do it for me. It took me a while to figure this out – I was only 16 when we met and 24 when we split, so you can cut me some slack! The fact that he didn't do it for me, despite all the wonderful attributes, was incredibly confusing. I mean, what was wrong with me? Several people questioned me on this. Had he done something terrible? Had I lost my mind? He was lovely, handsome, still popular, still generous, still loved me so what the hell was I thinking?! I couldn't answer that.

My hot, single friend P is another case in point. He's seriously good-looking, has a defined and toned bod, he's kind, he's generous, he's chivalrous – he's an all-round really nice guy. However, for me, he just doesn't have it. I can't explain why. He's lovely to spend time with, to have a chat with but I just don't fancy him – he just hasn't got the sexy thing. (Believe me, if he did, I'd be turning on the charm....big time!)

Of course, it also happens the other way. I've been involved with men who clearly aren't 'good on paper' but who I've been unreasonably attracted to. The most recent not 'good on paper' was a personal favourite of mine. It was never going to work of course, he was much younger, funny, very sexy and probably totally unsuitable for me and my life. (Plus the fact that none of my friends who knew him seemed very keen. That can't be good can it?) However, to me, my friends not totally sharing my affections for the unsuitable one was really the only fly in the ointment. I really liked him, we kinda 'got' each other and all in all had a jolly nice time together (well, I did. I can only assume he felt the same....)

Husband number two wasn't Mr Perfect on paper either. He was fine and all but when we got together, I think it's fair to say that not many people had us down as the 'ideal couple'. We met at work; I was Little Miss Sensible (and 24 and married – pretty boring I guess, to be fair), took my career pretty seriously, chasing promotions, working overtime etc... Him – not so much. He was younger (is there a theme here?), keen on beer, smoking, football and sometimes, frankly, being a bit of a loud-mouthed lout. (In the less-offensive sense you understand. I'd never have gone out with someone really common.) No, the thing that I really liked about husband No 2 was that he was funny, witty, humorous and just about every other word you can think of. He made me laugh out loud – all the time. And so did unsuitable younger man.

Now, I've done a lot of thinking about this...... and I've come to the conclusion that sometimes, 'good on paper' doesn't matter. The traditionally held belief that a man who's tall, dark and handsome, solvent, generous and so on, will be the perfect one for me just isn't true. I've worked out that for me to really want to be with a man, he needs to be sexy (well d'uh!). And sexy for me equals funny. And to be honest, you can't be a bit thick and be funny (I know, that's not really a very nice thing to say – but honestly – have you ever met a funny, thick person??) So (drum roll please....!) it's only taken 30-odd years for me to work out that for me; sexy equals funny, funny equals clever. Simples!

So the 'good on paper' guys I've mentioned; husband number one and hot, single friend P....? Are they not funny? Actually, no they're not. And clever? Husband number one? No, really not that smart (sorry, but it's true). Hot, single friend P? I don't know really. I've never asked him for his GCSE and A Level results (no, before you ask, he didn't go to university). I suspect he's not all that clever though if I'm being honest (so sorry if that's wrong P).

And husband number two? Is he clever? Yes, he really is. And witty, sharp and frankly at times, hilarious! (Damn him – he's also a complete dickhead you understand). Unsuitable younger man? Ditto. Clever, articulate and hysterical.

So, now I've worked that out it should be easy huh? I know I have a limited budget (but I'd like to think I was just a little bit funny and maybe a little bit clever). I know I'm not gonna get the lovely kitchen, the huge bedrooms and the enclosed 100ft garden. But just the kitchen will do...oh...and maybe one good-sized bedroom. I just check out the clever, funny ones right? And don't waste time with the not-so-clever, unfunny ones? Yep, that's a great plan Michelle. But they come is disguise don't they? Dressed up as good-on-paper so I get confused and everything (Hell, I even married one of these people – what hope is there?) What should I do? Get them to perform a comedy routine for me before I decide they're worth my efforts? Not sure that's gonna work... Nah, I guess what I do is keep looking, keep trying to ignore the good-on-paper thing and trying to remain more open-minded (eeeew....and maybe I may even have to rethink the 'no-nasty-clothes, no-hideous-home-furnishings rule....? eeeek!)

Hmmmm.... Maybe I'll go down the 'clever' route instead?

Anyone got a spare Mensa questionnaire I can photocopy.....?