As I approach this birthday of mine, I'm thinking (obsessing?) more and more about age. I keep being told by friends that it's just a number, it doesn't matter, it makes no difference etc etc..... Yeah. Right.
Why should it matter to me? I only feel around 28 and I'm told I look younger than my advancing years (by people older and younger than me – that's gotta be good right?) Even this week I was told by a few colleagues that they thought I was 31! Yay me! 31! I can live with that... Added to the fact that I usually poll around 32 when I'm out and about, I'm concluding that I do in fact look a fair amount younger than I actually am and that I haven't been fed a pack of lies by random people. Hoorah for the good genes inherited from my young-looking mum and all the time and effort spent applying eye cream!
However, I'm going to the Year 13 Leaver's Dinner in a couple of weeks. We have the option to go for free if we're prepared to be on duty, stay alcohol-free and deal with whatever incidents may or may not happen. I think it's pretty telling that my initial reaction to that is 'God no! Why the hell would I want to be in a room with loads of 18 year old girls, all dressed to the nines without a little alcohol on board to take the edge off?'
It's not like I want to be 18 or 19 again. Hell no! That'd be awful. I am actually a grown up, self-sufficient, independent woman who still has good boobs (so I'm told – see previous blog), has good hair (well, I think so) and more importantly, has an idea about what she wants from life and the people in it. I'd hate to be 19 again, thinking I knew everything, but in reality knowing nothing. So why do I feel the need to reach for the bottle of wine at the thought of having to enter a room full of these (in the main, absolutely lovely) young folk?
Probably because they're half my age. Like I said, I'm getting a little sensitive about the upcoming anniversary of my birth.... Last year, I attended the same event, had a surprisingly really good time and on the whole, managed to hold my own pretty well I think. It's that bloody birthday making me feel all insecure, I'm sure of it.
It's so annoying, this getting older thing. I was discussing this with oldest (not elderly) friend TJ. It seems totally unfair that during those late-teen, early twenty years, you may have the body but the confidence and general life know-how isn't there. And now I'm in my (very) late 30s, I have all the bloody life know-how you could want (oh boy do I?!) and the self-awareness that goes along with that. It's just that the body's not holding it's own as well as it once was.... That is just simply unfair! A true example of 'youth being wasted on the young' if ever I saw one! This is also why I probably shouldn't date younger men. My competition for these sorts would be women in their 20s. Now, I can't kid myself that I can compete with the 20-something woman in any way, shape or form. To be perfectly honest, I don't even want to. And surely I shouldn't have to? Surely I must have enough going for myself to be able to be competition enough in whatever category I decide to enter? (Note to self: this is why all future men I get involved with should have an age that begins with at least a 3...)
In the meantime, I'll wear my new dress (yes M it is quite low-cut...!) and new heels to the Leavers Dinner. I'll have a few glasses (bottles?) of vino and I'll enjoy the fact that M will be there to give me some much needed male attention and make me laugh. The students will be great and we'll all have a jolly nice time.
And two weeks after that, I'll be........40. Ouch.
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