So, I'm alone on Valentine's day......again. (Now, before you get the violins out, I guess I should put some context around this. This is actually only the second time since I was 15 that I've been alone on Valentine's day....that's not bad, right?)
Anyway, I'm alone. And I'm pissed off. I can't work out if I'm more pissed off that I'm alone or that I seem to be surrounded by people that have fantastic romantic plans for the day....when I don't. I get into work this morning and my lovely friend Phoenix (please don't be alarmed, this is not his real name, it's just a little thing we have. He's Phoenix – I'm Pfieffer. It's the small things.....) shows me some hideously soppy photos of matching egg-cups and heart-shaped lights his girlfriend presented him with that morning. (He thought it might make me hurl. He was, in fact, correct). The students have been mooning around all day looking star-struck and in love (I've thus far resisted the temptation to tell them that their heart will be ripped from their chest and trampled on right in front of them many times before they get even close to meeting 'the one'.......if 'the one' even exists that is. I feel it's fairer for them to discover that level of heartache for themselves...) Even the Head wished us all a 'happy Valentine's day' during our staff briefing – I mean, FFS!
Valentine's day is actually Husband No 2's birthday (in fact he chatted to me for ages whilst picking up the children earlier, no doubt waiting for the obligatory 'happy birthday'. He didn't get it - he's a dickhead remember). And as it's his birthday, Valentine's never really got a look-in, so in fact, I haven't really celebrated (is that really the right word? Hell!) it since 1996. So why do I care? Why does the whole thing make me feel so utterly miserable, lonely and rejected? Because it's rammed down my sodding throat that's why! It's on TV, it's in every shop I walk into and it's everywhere I turn at work. So clearly, if I'm not with someone celebrating Valentine's day, I must be a sad loser of the highest order, mustn't I? And when I'm in a relationship and could get a lovely card and some flowers or chocolates or whatever (as long as it's not a cuddly toy. What the hell is that about? I've never got the women who appreciate cuddly toys. I actually think they're either a bit dim or have the emotional age of around 14) I don't give a shit. It's ironic isn't it? Valentine's only actually becomes a meaningful day in the calendar when you're not in a relationship.
Which brings me back to the whole being pissed off because I'm alone. Which I am. Pissed off that is (and alone, clearly. I think I've mentioned it haven't I?). I don't even want a capital 'R' relationship with a man who's calling me and texting me all the time, doing my head in. No, at the moment, I think I want something fairly low-key that doesn't involve my children, doesn't involve us being around each other all of the time (God, I'm far too busy for that!) and does involve nice drinks and dinner out, dvd's and wine in oh, and some good sex. It can't be that tricky to find can it? I'm not that hideous am I?
I went to see Avenue Q the other day (bear with me, it is relevant - honest) and, to my horror, found myself identifying with a puppet. (Yes, I've sunk that low). The puppet in question was Kate Monster who sang (in a song called 'It Sucks to be Me'. Uh....yep!), and I quote, “I'm kinda pretty and pretty damn smart. I like romantic things like music and art. And as you know I have a gigantic heart. So why don't I have a boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me!”
Now, aside from the 'kinda pretty' bit (body-image issues.....you understand), that sort of sums me up. I have people telling me all the time that I'm a really good catch, that I'm funny, witty, intelligent, attractive, that won't be alone for long, that there's loads of men dying to go out with a girl like me, blah, blah, blah. And actually, a fair number of these people are real-life men. And sometimes it's even single men who are in the right age-bracket, not two-headed monsters, not complete assholes, who say those things. So, if that's the case.....WHY THE HELL AM I STILL ALONE??!
It could of course be that I'm just a little bit fussy (not that there's anything wrong with that. Fussy is definitely good if there's potential for the exchange of body fluids). There's no doubting that I could've arranged a number of online dates (God, how big-headed does that sound?) but honestly, if you'd have seen their details......... And plus, as I've said before, I hate that whole on-line thing – it feels so contrived. So that's not it.
It could be that I'm not as 'out there' as I think. That I have sub-conscious fears of being hurt and rejected........again. Actually, that's really not it either. I'm willing to take my chances of pain and heartache. It's what life's about surely? (plus I have masochistic tendencies, clearly. That, or a very short memory).
Some of my friends would argue that I still have feelings for an ex-beau and that in itself is a barrier to meeting someone new. This may or may not be true. (It's certainly not up for discussion here anyway.....confirmation in itself no doubt :o( Dammit!)
No what I'd actually like is for a lovely someone to just fall in my lap (so to speak). It's happened before, so it could happen again eh? It would certainly make life easier wouldn't it? To be pursued? And I've been pursued before, why not again? I'm sure I'd love it as much as I have in the past (and I do really love it - it's the best bit!) Hmmmmm......can't see it somehow......*Sigh*.
Ah well, until I'm prepared to put a bit of effort in, I'll just bear in mind the one Valentine's gift I did get today. A heart-shaped lolly that arrived during my tutor time with a note attached that said 'Dear Mum, lots of love from Poppy xx'
Love you kids :) <3
xx
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