Tuesday 28 February 2012

Rethink....


So…I was chatting with the very wise G this afternoon (to be honest, wise doesn’t really cut it. She’s actually one of the perceptive people I’ve ever met. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she could read minds. Derren Brown eat your heart out!) She wanted to know if I’d taken some action to curtail some unhelpful activity in my life. I hadn’t. This really isn’t a surprise. There are some things in my life that I seem inexplicably reluctant to change. Many reasons for this exist that I won’t bore you all with now, but a fairly major one is the fact that I am lacking something we’ll call ‘inner peace’.
Now you’d think that at my age, this ‘inner peace’ malarkey would be something of a given. But it isn’t. I feel conflicted most of the time in various ways, I have many unanswered questions (and I hate ‘what if…?’) and many, many self-doubts. This makes me restless and discontent. A lot of the time. It’s not brilliant really is it? So I asked G; ‘This inner peace stuff….how do you get that then? I thought my WWMD? mantra would help with that…?’
‘Really?’ replied G. ‘Do you think she’s the wisest of What Would X Do? people?’ I was a little perplexed. Madge is kick-ass. I need some kick-ass. But as G continued to point out, she’s not sure she has this ‘inner peace’ thing down. Inner peace, G tells me, is a lot about acceptance. Hmmmmmm, I’m beginning to see where this is going. Acceptance is not really a strong suit of mine. I’ve pretty much only just accepted that I am now in fact a single parent (it’s only taken 3 years!). And Madge, according to G, has similar acceptance issues. ‘Michelle, do you think Madge has inner-peace? Really? I think she’s having trouble accepting that maybe, now she’s 50+, she shouldn’t really be writhing around stage wearing very little, don’t you? No-one wants to see that now do they?!’
So in short, I’m sort-of rethinking WWMD? I think I’ll keep it in mind for the things that require kick-ass (including my new health kick – obviously. I mean, have you seen that woman’s body?!). But maybe I’ll work on that inner-peace thing more. G suggests that I should start each day without expectations for what it holds, and that every day that I go to bed still a single parent isn’t a failure on my part. It just is.
And to all my ever-patient friend who may have told me this before (probably many times), apologies. It’s just that today I actually heard it.

Sunday 19 February 2012

When I grow up, I want to be...Madonna


Well, actually, I don’t want to grow up at all. But seeing as there’s not much choice in the matter, I like to think that aiming to be Madonna is something of a goal…

To be honest, I’ve probably wanted to be Madonna since I was about 13. J and I used to spend many a happy hour getting dressed up in all our ‘BoyToy’ finery only to take vast amounts of photos of each other (or interrupt her older brother’s guitar playing to get him to take photos of us together…) or merely to walk the streets of our childhood homes thinking we were all cool and amazing. Obviously. The photographic evidence of such behaviour still exists, but I’m reliably informed that very few people have seen it…(Right J?)

Now I don’t particularly want to make rubbish movies, date men half my age, or wear shiny purple leotards (OMG no!) but Madonna still holds lots of appeal. The woman is something of a phenomenon. Love her or hate her, there is absolutely no denying her power as a businesswoman, her discipline in maintaining that body (she is 53 you know) and her skill in consistently and successfully reinventing herself. Personally, I love her. Her music may not be the best (it really isn’t is it?), but she still holds a certain draw for me. During a rather routine task in work the other day, I decided to watch her Superbowl performance on YouTube (gotta love the ‘Tube right?). And it was amazing. The woman is a machine! And it got me thinking… I have a few…we’ll call them ‘projects’ on the go at the moment which could use a touch of Madonna-style determination and drive on my part. So, I thought - whilst watching my heroine turn cartwheels with LMFAO - I reckon I should adopt a new mantra.  Taking inspiration from the evangelical youth of the USA (as you do), I’ve decided that the mantra of What Would Madonna Do? is as good as any for dealing with certain things in my life. I’d like to think I have an amount of intelligence in this brain of mine, but I seem to be somewhat lacking in a couple of areas; men (obviously) and losing weight. Intellectually, I know how to deal with both of them. It’s the translation of thought-into-action I appear to struggle with. I mean, would Madonna lie in bed until the last possible moment before getting up for work, running late, then taking the car because she’s late?? No she bloody would not! She actually probably sprint and get there in 2.43 minutes….but anyway…you know what I mean. (The fact that during the cold weather, I’ve been mostly driving to work is utterly shocking. LJ and I mapped the route on some clever online thing and it’s only half a mile away….I’m so ashamed…) Would Madonna fall off her ‘dry-January’ wagon because her brother tempted her everso slightly with a lovely cold glass of pinot grigio? Of course not! And to be honest, there are a few (in fact, it’s actually only about 2 or 3….I’m very lucky in this regard) people in my life and on the periphery of it (getting dangerously close!) who could do with a dose of the Madonnas. Would Madge allow herself to be taken for a ride?? Would she waste her time on no-hopers? I think not! She’d tell the useless a**holes to p1ss off…and never to come back. You get my drift….?

Anyway, this whole WWMD? thing seems to be having some effect. Chatting with Ka the other evening, she remarked that she hadn’t seen me this feisty in years. Excellent news! I’ve also resolved to make sure I get up 30 minutes earlier – so I can apply a proper face of slap (sheer laziness has meant that the barest slick of mascara has been applied….I have the tools to create a proper smoky eye. I just never do) and to walk the short distance to work. My brothers 10k running plan has been dusted off (I seem to remember foolishly agreeing to run some race in December along the beach at Weston-Super-Mare dressed as Santa…What was I thinking??), I have my healthy eating mojo back and I’m vowing not to suffer fools.

And this weekend, H and I have booked a rather splendid July mini-break in Dublin to see her Madge-esty (gold circle tickets don’t you know? That’s proper up-close-and-personal). Jolly good stuff.
 
So from now on, expect much feistiness, a lot of determination and drive and lots of fun from the more sorted MRMD. And if you dont like it (but I'm sure you will!)...tough! After all, WWMD??




(Oh…it’s not just me who has their eyes set on worldwide music stars as their ‘when I grow up…’ ideals. La told me the other evening that when he grows up, he wants to be Dave Grohl. So keep your eyes peeling in the North Bristol area for a young man beating out rhythms on…well…probably just about anything and acting in just about any rock-god like manner. It might just be him…)

Sunday 5 February 2012

Reminiscing


Things have moved on a bit in the life of MRMD. A fairly significant chapter in my life is about to formally come to an end and I’ve been pretty surprised about how I’ve felt about it. Those who know me well will have walked every step of the last two-and-a-bit years with me and will know that I’m more than ready to close the book.

People who know me well also know that I don’t really do ‘ago’. I find talking about and reliving the past generally spectacularly unhelpful. So I was a little surprised how I’ve felt thinking and talking about some of the events of the last few years. A colleague asked me the other day how I came to be working in my current role, bearing in mind that financially, I’m a lot worse off and all. I was more than a little surprised to find myself in tears half-way through my sorry tale. Clearly, ‘ago’ is still a little bit raw. However, do I want to go back to my ‘before’ life? Not really. Do I want the man who broke my heart back? Nope. Not at all. Am I surprised how much it can still hurt when I think too hard about it? Hell yes!

All this talk of the past has led me to be thinking rather a lot about Husband No 1. Chatting with LJ last night she asked: ‘Do you have regrets about him then?’ And I think I do. Not in the way that I want to track him down and see if anything’s still ‘there’. (I’m sure his current wife would have quite a lot to say about that!)  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have thought about him at all if it weren’t for recent events. No, I have regrets in the way that I treated him. He accommodated my many foibles, my moods and generally tried to make me happy in every way he could… and I was just plain mean to him. (I wasn’t as nice back then you see…!)

However, this focussing on the past, it’s not going to get me anywhere is it? I can sit and hate on Husband No 2 or ponder over what might have been with Husband No 1 and on anyone between and since for that matter. But what does it achieve? It only makes me feel bad – all insecure and inadequate. So I think it’s probably a good idea to keep my eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead. As one kindly ex-manager of mine once said to me (as I expressed my reservations about leaving a company after 20 years); ‘You shut the door for a reason Michelle. Why would you want to turn around and re-open it again?’
Why indeed?
Let’s move on…

Wednesday 1 February 2012

The 'Great' Outdoors


So I’m not what you might call the ‘outdoorsy’ type. This amuses BJM no end. She’s from Yorkshire you see. Everything is outdoors up there isn’t it?
It’s not that I don’t do the outdoors. I do. I just like it clean, dry and preferably warm and sunny. I very much enjoy a walk in the country or by the coast. I just like it in the summertime and peppered with a lovely lunch and/or a cup of coffee/glass of wine or two.

In recent times, BJM has instigated something new in the Densley catalogue of activities……It’s called a Welly Walk. It basically involves everyone concerned getting wrapped up very warmly on wet, drizzly days and marching through the local countryside getting cow-sh*t and mud as far up our legs as is humanly possible and trying very, very hard not to fall over. You can imagine that my 8 year old son thinks this is amazing fun, but what took me by surprise was that both mine and BJM’s pre-teen daughters both enjoy it as much as the grubby boy. We’ve been on a few of these now. BJM is determined that I will get at least a fortnightly dose of proper country air. I leave the house typically ill-prepared usually. I own some wellies and a waterproof coat…but that’s about it. I don’t own a fleece (well, who does?!) and generally, I’m the queen of inappropriate footwear. My children are similarly inappropriately attired. (My daughter usually refuses to wear anything resembling a waterproof coat for fear of being captured and imprisoned by the fashion police. Heaven knows where she gets it from?!) BJM tends to fair marginally better. She owns ‘proper’ wellies and a ‘proper’ waterproof coat. (My boots cost £6 and have blue dots on them; BJM’s are Hunters). BJM has a fleece and layers her clothes appropriately to take account of the inclement weather. I just sport my Plain Lazy hoodie and hope that the physical exertion will keep me warm. Are you getting the picture…?

The walks, in fairness, are really quite good fun. We all get a much needed dose of fresh air, some proper physical exertion and we finish up in a warm pub. The last time we went on one of these Welly Walks, M and his two young daughters joined us. He’s also from Yorkshire, so clearly he’s made for such conditions. But he did manage to trump us. Me, I carry nothing with me; not even a tissue (very foolish considering the fact that muddy fields and 8 year old boys are a terrible combination). BJM usually carries pockets full of sweets (for bribery purposes). But M….M had a rucksack with drinks and everything in it. How professional! And how useful when the small people get fed up of wearing hats, gloves, scarves etc….just stuff them all into M’s rucksack. (Note to self: invite M on more outdoor expeditions involving small people)

It’s not just Welly Walks that are forcing me into the elements in the dead of winter. I’m also spending a rather large proportion of my weekends with the children stood on the side of a wind-swept football pitch watching my (really rather adorable) 8 year old boy play. I turned up to the last match (away) stupidly expecting to be able to drive right up to the side of the pitch. What the hell was I thinking?? And wearing?! I (completely ridiculously) decided that a hoody plus waterproof coat together with white (yes white) canvas Converse trainers would be ideal clothing for standing for 90 minutes on a muddy touchline. Oh. My. God. I have never been so cold in my entire life. On this particular occasion, braving the freezing conditions was well worth it. My lovely 8 year old scored his very first goal! However, that pleasant surprise aside, it got me thinking… I really need to bite the bullet and get some proper clothes….

This news greatly amused L. ‘Mwahahahahahaha’ was her reponse when I mentioned at the weekend that I may need to go shopping for a fleece. Mainly because I have an immense hatred for the hideous garments. (See first ever blog). I mean, who looks good in a fleece? Anyway, I have to bite the bullet. There is absolutely no way I can continue the winter outdoor pursuits of Welly Walking and football watching without a set of thermals, some proper shoes and a warm coat. Curse you the British climate! And L, please try not to take too much pleasure watching me spend money at ‘Go Outdoors’… It’s just too mean…!